Okay, before I start ripping into my pages of Melodifestivalen notes, I thought I'd start with something silly and light-hearted.
So, some quick backstory. I was tooling my way around Youtube not long ago, going through Swedish video upon Swedish video (Melodifestivalen fever, which I'm sure more than a few of you understand), and it struck me... The Swedes might like their schlager simple and to the point, but they seriously go ALL OUT when it comes to their hair.
So, for your viewing pleasure, I have scoured the deepest, darkest reaches of the internet (Okay, fine. I skimmed through youtube.) for some of the most insane-tastic hairdos and don’ts on offer. Some are MF entries, some are live TV performances… But they’re all good for a giggle.
Counting down...
13. Lena Philipsson – Dansa I Neon
I wasn’t aware of this, but apparently ‘Dansa I Neon’ is Svensk for ‘I want hair so big it can eat my head’. Well done, Lena. The folks at AquaNet salute you!
12. Lena Philipsson & Charlotte Perrelli – Flickorna på Småland
Where did Shirley Clamp’s schlager sensibility go, you ask? Why, it’s hidden in Charlotte’s hair! Along with Linda Bengtzing’s ability to sing a key change live, Sonja Alden’s retainer, Sandra Oxenryd’s Swedish career, Eva Dahlgren’s heterosexuality and Kikki’s sobriety. It’s the only explanation for why the ‘do is SO big (and why no one knows where those other things are anymore).
11. Lotta Engberg – Fyra Bugg & En Coca-Cola
I’m not actually going talking about Lotta here, cuz she’s just rocking the big-banged French braid (though honorable mention does go to the fuschia scarf holding it together). Instead, check out her backing singers. The girl at the 1:10 mark here is featuring not only the side ponytail (complete with day-glo schrunchie), but the morning-after bedhead too! Anonymous backing singer, your fearlessness has just earned you your moment in the spotlight.
10. Sanna Nielsen – Igår Idag
Dear Sanna. WHY aren’t you wearing enough bobbypins to keep your hair in place?! The ‘I just had sex on prom night’ walk of shame look is beneath you. You’re still super pretty, though, even if you look like a hot mess. Love, John.
9. Lena Philipsson – Om Igen
La PH does it again. Or, igen, I guess. Here she’s decided that she wants to add a little height. Wearing a pair of heels would’ve worked as well, Lena, but you rock out with that giant side ponytail. I TOTALLY take you more seriously because of it.
8. Ted Gardestad - Sattelit
Ted took the David Cassidy look up a notch with this gem of a ‘do. From the way his hair frames his face, to the way the long tresses in back swing over his shoulders, this is 70’s perfection... But, for a special treat, check out the announcer at the beginning. There’s a man who couldn’t be bothered to clean himself up this morning. Hippies represent!!
7. Shirley Clamp – Min Kärlek
Okay, I know you’re all thinking ‘What? Shirley? But she’s always so pretty!’ And you’re mostly right. Moreover, to give her some actual credit, after her MF appearance in 2003 in that awful black muumuu and blown-out hair, Shirl lost a bunch of weight, got herself a pretty red dye job and blew us all away with Min Kärlek. But, did anyone notice that she’s got enough gel in her hair here to style a whole summer stock cast of Grease? Seriously, her little ringlets are all chunked together and her hair is all shiny and matted. And not clean-and-conditioned shiny. It’s too-much-product shiny. And messy. And moreover, it doesn’t help that her dress could double as a cheap ice skating costume. All in all, this is just a look that could’ve been rethought.
6. Jill Johnsson & Charlotte Perelli – You Shook Me All Night Long (yup… that one)
If ever there was an argument in favor of bangs, it’s the fact that Charlotte’s hair is growing right out of the top of her skull. Of course, this could also be an argument against facelifts… Pick one and stick to it, Char.
5. Sound of Music – Alexandra
Sweden’s resident muppet, Nanne Grönvall, has always looked a bit questionable to me. I don’t usually agree with her attempts to emphasize her already Gollum-esque bobblehead, though I guess when your head is THAT disproportionate to the rest of your body, getting a little bouffant-y isn’t gonna make much of a difference… But -- *shocker!* -- she’s not the head-turner here… Instead, have a good chuckle at the oversized outrageousness of her co-singer, Angelique Widengren, who looks like RATT’s slightly less edgy little sister here. Notice how, at the :25 mark, she tries to touch her own head and her hand is forced back by the power of her hairspray forcefield!
4. The Blonde-Mophead Trifecta (Magnus Backlund, Ola Svensson & Danny Saucedo)
These guys… I tell you… Okay, so I think that what the deal probably is here is that there’s this one wig, right? And these three just keep swapping it off and making minor style changes before they wear it themselves so it looks like they each have their own hair. But they don’t. I picture it like, ‘Hej! Ola! Yeah, it’s Magnus. What’s goin’ on, huh? I know! Congrats on going to Andra Chansen. See though, if you’d kept the wig looking all mullet-y, they might have put you through to the finale like they did for me. Oh, speaking of, I’m gonna need the Hair tonight. I know you promised it to Danny, but he said I could take it as long as I washed it and got it to him in the morning. Yeah? That’s cool? Thanks, man!” There’s really no other explanation why three unrelated grown men should look this indistinguishable. Not to mention the hygiene issues that come with sharing accessories like that…
Magnus:
Ola:
Danny:
3. Anna Book – Det Finns En Morgondag
I present this gift to you not just for little 17-year old Anna’s Long-Island-Jewess-Granny hairdo, but for the entire styling och consulting MESS that allowed this poor teenager to look like Mike Myers as Linda Richman. No, really. Can’t you just see her looking at the camera and saying ‘Samba Sambero is about neither sambas nor samberos… discuss’? As well, above and beyond the clothes and the clown makeup and the pink claw fingernails, and, of course, the hair, the best thing about this video is that at about the 17-second mark, the piano player screws up the accompaniment in a big way and Anna catches it… and she gets very unhappy very quickly. Check out the hairy eyeball she gives the musicians. Cut a bitch, Anna. You’ve got the nails for it!
2. Style – Dover Calais
Okay, before we even discuss the hair-related insanity of this video, go right to the 2:03 mark and notice Gigi Hamilton give you some of the most 80’s-tastic bopping you’ll ever see. Her little turn at the end of the chorus is the epitome of 80’s camp and it couldn’t make me happier. Also making me happy? The way she is completely unable to tilt her head to the side, lest she tip right over. Oh, and spikey mullets! Which wouldn’t be so funny if it weren’t for the fact that ‘spikey mullet’ + ‘thinning hair’ = ‘angel halo’.
1. Anna-Lie Ryde & Bjorn Skifs – Smoke Gets In Your Eyes/Do You Wanna Dance (1982)
The crowning (heh, did you see what I did there?) glory of hair what-the-f*cks.,, If you close your eyes, this is an absolutely stunning performance to listen to. But if you watch it, I DARE you not to be catapulted into hysterics by the sight on Anna-Lie’s head. It’s a mullet! It’s a mullet that’s been feathered… ALL OVER! It’s a mullet that’s been feathered all over AND teased out! And dyed Rocky-Horror-Magenta! This is a woman who laughs in the face of… er… people who laugh at her, I guess.
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