PAULINA! SHE’S ON THE COVER OF A MAGAZINE… OR AT THE END OF THE JUDGING TABLE

Who could tell back in the halcyon days of Adrienne, Elyse and Robyn that a stupid little show called America’s Next Top Model would have the staying power it has ended up having? From meager under-budgeted beginnings in New York City to a couple of seasons producing some real potential models to a bunch of crappy seasons in LA producing… Tootie… and now back to New York City again, ANTM has begun it’s 10th cycle, a milestone that few reality shows manage to reach.

Ten seasons in, it was obviously time for an overhaul to the show, of which the reintegration of ANTM into the New York scene was no small part. With Bravo’s ‘other model show’ currently taping here and consistently showing up Miss Banks’ production as the turd it really has become, it was time to bring some modelettes back to the Big Apple to see if they have what it takes (they don’t) to compete in the biggest proper fashion market in the country (they… really don’t). The other change to the show is the replacement of super-nice Twiggy with the deliciously biting Paulina Porizkova, who has enough shades of Janice Dickinson to make her just what the judging panel has been lacking since Cycle 5.

In the first season, before Tyrant’s ego had all but destroyed the credibility of ANTM, she acted as a bit of a mentor/den mother to the girls. Tyra Banks pre-‘Tyrant’ personality (think Jennifer Lopez, pre J.Lo) was a professional who had been through the industry, and was therefore someone who could intelligently – so to speak – teach the girls the ins and outs of modellizing and guide them on their way to following their (foolish) dreams. She was very hands on with the girls, to the point of appearing at and coaching the girls on their photoshoots and providing useful runway tips like ‘don’t put your hands all the way into your pockets’ (since it’s advice like this that lands girls the big jobs). As such, on the panel she needed a foil, someone who could give the girls the harsh criticism they needed to hear while still allowing herself to function as bigger sister/best friend (‘therapist’ came later, sometime after the Shake Ya Body fiasco in Cycle 2).

Enter Janice Dickinson, the ‘Original Supermodel’.

Janice made her mark almost immediately as the go-to judge for sound bites, bitchery, drunkenness, and all-around fabulousness. She compared girls to trannies, men, amputees, fatties, platypus..ssses, breast exam patients, and a litany of other non-modely character types, and did it with brio. She threw herself on Tyra (in hospital paper booties, no less) to demonstrate ‘passion’ to the modelettes, she air-flogged Nigel to prove… eh, what does it matter why? She air-flogged Nigel. The only problem there is lack of an actual whip. Point is, for the first four seasons of the show, Janice’s Insanity became one of the leading characters on the show, and her inability to stop herself from saying exactly what she was thinking eventually led to some of the most riveting TV one could find on a Tuesday night… and also some mighty hatred from Tyra and eventually a boot from the show.

Prior to Cycle 5, after some long-standing animosity between the Original Supermodel and the Bankable One over alleged behind-the-scenes goings-on, it was announced that Janice would not be returning. Tyra had begun moving the show to a more Cinderella rags-to-riches place and Janice’s attempts to comment on the girls’ actual potential as models (on a show about models… It’s insanity, right?) was not in line with the new turn the show was taking. The details of Janice’s departure seem even to this day to depend on which Ego you feel like siding with. Tyra says that Janice left willingly, Janice says that Tyra canned her. I’d be willing to bet it was more a meet-in-the-middle thing (“You don’t need to come back next season!” “Fine, I won’t!”), but the fact remains that Janice’s departure meant that a spot was open on the panel for someone who could fit Tyra’s more ‘wholesome, supportive’ image.

Enter Twiggy, the ‘Original Superwaif’.

Twiggy could have been a good addition to the judges’ table. She is a respected figure in the industry having essentially changed the face of 60’s fashion, she was able to parlay her modeling career into a respectable acting career in theatre and TV (a big thing with Tyra, despite her not actually wanting the modelettes to SAY they might have plans after this phase of their ‘careers’), and she seemed to be able to convey both pleasure and displeasure with the girls’ work without reducing them to tears.

The problem is that Twiggy was boring. More often than not, her critiques would be right on, but her attempts to sugar coat them began to serve as a reminder that we, the viewers, didn’t tune into the show to watch the girls be treated respectfully with kid gloves, we tuned in to watch them get torn to pieces and work their size zero asses off for a shred of validation, the way real models do. Additionally, Twiggy showed herself to be too nice to the other judges, allowing Tyra to overrule any opinion she might have had, negating her place on the panel entirely.

Five cycles later, after the 9th installment of the show, it was announced that Twiggy was leaving the show due to other commitments. The show was moving back to New York City, and it was now time to find a new panelist again.

Enter Paulina Porizkova, the ‘Actual Supermodel’.

Paulina Porizkova had openly derided ANTM for some while, basically calling Tyrant on her bullshit assertion that girls on this show have any kind of career opportunities after the fact. She made no bones about the fact that she didn’t believe that the show was in any way legitimate, and openly scolded Tyra for allowing these girls to think that they had prospects beyond being a reality-show contestant. And it was here that Ken Mok and the producers of ANTM finally began to take their heads out of their collective asses and do their jobs correctly. Rather than allow Tyrant to get in an off-screen bitch fight with this truth-screamer, instead they made sure to contact Ms. P as soon as she’d been booted (too soon) off of Dancing With the Stars and offered her a place on the judges panel, where she could conveniently air these issues right on camera!

In an even more genius move, Ms. P accepted the offer and made her ANTM debut in one of the most wonderfully-crafted segments of the show in seasons. Introduced as someone ‘from the industry’ who was there to give them an ‘honest assessment’ of their potential, Paulina strutted onto the screens to squeals of delight from the modelettes and, in short order, put a big kibosh on their joy and called out three girls as pizza-faced, tranny and manny. That sound you all might have heard at 8:21 Wednesday night? That was the sound of me giving my heart to Paulina Porizokva.

But she didn't stop there.

After being introduced as the newest judge for the season, she claimed her spot on the panel immediately, calling out several girls on their amateurish photos but managing to do two things in the process that her predecessors weren't able to manage. First, she was able to say 'you might want to try doing so-and-so differently so it doesn't happen again', and she was able to confidently and appropriately tell other members of the panel to take their own opinions and stuff them. When Nigel decided one girl 'looked too nervous', Ms. P snorted at him that 'she SHOULD be nervous for a few weeks', effectively cutting off at the knees his flawed reason for wanting to get rid of a potential modelette.

This is a woman who knows her business and will obviously not be cowed by anyone else's opinions of the girls, the show, or the host/producer. In fact, I am praying that we the viewers will be treated to a Paulina/Tyrant smackdown at some point in the competion, with Tyrant fighting for a contestant who can't model but would look great on her talk show, and Paulina backing a girl who might not be an exciting person, but 'shines in her pho-tos'. And, at the moment, I put money on Paulina.

With such a promising new judge, we can only hope that she brings back a little of the Janice Magic to a show that desperately needs it.